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March 10, 2010

Happy 70th Birthday Chuck Norris

I couldn't believe it when I heard that Chuck Norris was turning 70 today. In his honor, I've compiled a few of my favorite Chuck Norris jokes. Please feel free to comment with more jokes of your own.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, may God help you.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.


Whitney said...

Chuck Norris has been knitting a lot of sweaters lately. And by 'knitting' I mean 'killing', and by 'sweaters' I mean 'losers'.

Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he pushes the earth down.

Matt Coulter said...

If Jack Bauer were gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

Ha! Haha!