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October 4, 2010

Numb

   Sunday I went to church.  This isn't a completely foreign concept to me, but it had been 9 1/2 months since I went to Emmaus which was the church I called home 2002 until December of 2009.  This Sunday was special though.  Jason Ricks was one of the original teaching pastors there and led community ministries, and he was in town and was teaching.  I love that guy and have missed him so much since he left and took his family to Africa for missions work.  I really wanted to hear his teaching and see him again.

   That part of being there was awesome.  Most of it was just awkward to me though.  It was nice to see some of the people I haven't seen in a long time, but for the most part, it felt almost wrong to be there.  I don't know if that is the best way to describe it, or if there really is a good way to describe it at all.  Let me clarify that this isn't any attempt to talk down about Emmaus or anything.  I know a lot of people who still attend there and they are definitely awesome Christians and I still love them and value them. Being there just reassured me that it isn't where I belong anymore, and I'm not sure of where I do belong.

   For the longest time, I was excited to attend church every single week.  It was especially cool when the students would come back in the fall and spring because you could feel the excitement in the air.  It really made me feel good inside just to be a part of it.  I left yesterday and just felt sad.  I like the church I attend now (Snowy Range E-Free), but even after a few months, it doesn't really feel like home to me.  There are people I respect who attend there, people who are passionate about Jesus and reaching the lost, they have a very talented worship team, they are really trying to reach families, and there's nothing there I really disagree with...but it still isn't "home" to me.

   I feel almost like I'm faking it, and I don't want to fake it.  I want my kids to learn about the Bible from people besides Sandra and myself...but where do you draw the line?  Is it my fault somehow?  Is this the heart issue that is keeping me from connecting like I've heard talk of while growing up in the church?  I don't feel distant from the Lord, but I don't feel connected with a church, and I haven't had that feeling in a very long time.  I miss the passion and excitement.  I'm tired of feeling numb.

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