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August 31, 2011

Helpless

   Today was supposed to be the day that Sandra and I got home from her surgery in California.  We spent so much time planning everything out, getting travel arrangements, working out how to borrow enough money to pay the surgeons...not to mention the mental side of Sandra getting ready for the idea of having all this work done on her jaw and leaving her little babies for 17 days and coming home significantly different.  It was a scary endeavor.

   We had so many problems getting out there.  Our flight out of Laramie was easy and we had no problems, but then our flight out of Denver got delayed...then it got cancelled.  We were lucky to get the last spots on another flight leaving the same day, but then that one was delayed too.  Then it was delayed again.  I called the car rental agency and they weren't open at the time we were going to arrive.  I booked a new one with another agency, and they ended up being closed by the time we arrived too. Thankfully the guy stayed late after I called and explained our situation.

   As if the travel issues weren't enough, we finally got there and arrived at the doctor's office after 4 hours of sleep.  The morning appointment is full of scans, molds and measurements.  When we came back after lunch for the next round, we were told there was an abscess in her tooth and they couldn't do surgery.  It was too risky that the infection would spread to the grafts they were doing.  Talk about disappointment!  I was basically a passenger on this ride and I was totally upset so I can't begin to know what Sandra was dealing with.

   I woke up today thinking...this was the day I was supposed to be coming home.  I thought about how much had happened since we came back early.  It was only two weeks ago today that we came home, but it seems like such a long time.  That is how long I will be away from my kids when we go back.  That is a scary feeling knowing your kids are so far away and completely out of your hands.  You can't just protect them.
 
   Now we are paying for a second trip out to California.  Due to some other circumstances, Sandra may not have a babysitting job anymore that was going to pay for the monthly amount we owe for surgery.  We're sitting here with tens of thousands of dollars to pay off for surgery, and facing a monthly need that is $500 more each month than I bring home.  It just feels so impossible.  It feels like we might finally hit bottom and run out of options.

   On the way out to California, I posted this update. "Flight from Denver to Santa Barbara got cancelled. God is good and we got the last spots on another direct flight tonight on Frontier. Thankfully, God is still good even if THAT flight get cancelled."  I still believe that.

   Several years ago, Louie Giglio from the Passion college conferences spoke at the Youth Specialties conference I attended.  He talked about how the cross of Christ is an anchor for us.  That when all else is lost, and it seems impossible, we can always look back to the cross and trust that Jesus knows me.  He loves me.  He understands what I'm going through.  I'm not alone and my faith doesn't have to be shattered through this because our God is an overwhelming, powerful God and when things seem out of control, He is still.in.control.

   I have tears in my eyes as I write this - just thinking about what my wife is going to go through. Thinking about being away from my kids.  Thinking of how travel is going to go.  Thinking of how we will pay for this.  Thinking of how we will make it.  I feel so helpless and I never feel this way.  Faith has always been easy for me...I usually just know things will work out.  I don't usually feel rattled.  Right now, I feel it.

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