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October 29, 2011

Weight Loss Update

   It has been too long since I posted on the blog.  I've been thinking a lot lately about food since I'm trying to follow Sandra's blended food diet.  If you've been around here before, you know that last year in November, I had a lap band put in.  I did fantastically for the first 3-6 months and lost right at 60 pounds (my weight was about 264 at that point).  Then something snapped and I learned how to cheat the band.  My desire for eating lots of food that wasn't good for me grew strong and I just decided to go for it rather than continuing to pursue a healthy weight and lifestyle.  

   I took Sandra to California for her to have surgery on her jaw and I refused to eat food in front of her.  That doesn't mean I didn't eat though.  Every time I would leave to go buy new medicine or get us a redbox, I would hit up a drive through and buy a LOT of crap.  I was drinking regular soda, large sizing everything and I can't tell you how many orders of Jack in the Box churros I ate.  Needless to say, four months of eating whatever you feel like isn't conducive to weight loss.  When we got back to Laramie, I weighed in at just over 288 pounds.  That's right, I gained back about 24 pounds.  

   On top of that, I quit working out.  I know plenty of people who are able to just get up and take walks or go for bike rides, but I've never been successful at that.  I made it to the rec center pretty regularly, but we let the membership go because it didn't get enough use for how much it cost.  

   Now I am just frustrated.  I've been following the blended diet since Sandra can't eat solid foods.  We've been home two weeks and I've dropped ten pounds.  I'm still frustrated though.  It is like I literally don't have the strength to make wise food decisions. We bought some candy to make milkshakes with because that is something Sandra can do for calories.  The candy didn't quite work right and it was hard to drink so she isn't using it.  Inevitably, it is there, and I've been eating it up.  The one nice thing is that we aren't eating out and it is saving a lot of money.  

   Yesterday, Sandra told me to take the boys out to lunch because she was going to take a nap anyway.  My first though was to hit up McDonald's because I love the McRib and it is back right now.  It has been almost three weeks since I ate fast food, and honestly, it made me feel so gross.  It was so heavy on my stomach and didn't do much to satisfy me.  Not really sure if that is a good or bad thing.  I got home and threw away all the candy.  I really want to make some changes.  

   What am I doing with my life?  Fast food is not healthy and we can't afford it anyway.  My kids see me and are still too young to realize that fat people aren't "normal."  I don't want them to be embarrassed of me when they get older.  I don't want my daughter to be walked down the aisle by someone else.  I don't want my sons to have to figure out what it means to be a man by trial and error or watching people on television and in the movies.  I want something more, and really feel at a loss of how to get there.  It seems that I can't do it on my own.  

   I guess that's why I'm just dumping this out there.  I just don't know what to do next.  It's one thing to want something, and even to share those desires with your spouse, friends, or on a is entirely another thing to finally make those changes and start improving your life.  What's the first step?  I guess just take it one step at a time and try to be honest about where I'm struggling.  


Paulette said...

I've gone through something similar, but regarding gluten-free eating. My insides turn to knots when I would eat it, yet my desire for home-baked goodies, hot and buttery garlic bread, and anything else comforting was something I always gave in to bc I simply WANTED to. Then, about a month ago, my mom asked me something to this effect: "One day, when you're laying in the hospital bc you've had to have part of your intestines removed from the damage you've caused, will you be able to say that those brownies were worth it?" Because I've witnessed the downward spiral of my mother in-law after her intestinal surgery, the thought struck me cold: I'm killing myself, slow but sure.

Dramatic? Maybe to you. But I know what my insides are doing when they can't process what I'm giving them, and my body can only scream the warning signs at me so much before it caves. You're in the same boat, sweet Jon: please treat yourself with the dignity your body deserves - not to mention your family. God made you, and to abuse yourself must grieve Him. You are a wonderful man and father, and you're very much needed in this world.

Don't be frustrated. Don't be overwhelmed. It's only a matter of time, and time will pass whether you're tearing yourself down or building yourself up.

Brownies suck, for both of us.

Love you.

Paulette said...

Btw, I've all but lost my desire for glutenous foods. I serve my family that hot, buttery garlic bread and don't even want it now. It took a bit of time, but I got there!

However, Thanksgiving is not upon us yet. Pray for me. I do love my stuffing. ;)


Jon Kelly said...

It's definitely pretty crazy to think of it in those terms. Thanks for the encouragement. I know it is about being willing to make difficult choices and also trusting in God to help me have the strength. Maybe I should tape a picture of my kids in the pantry and inside the fridge.

We've actually considered trying the gluten free meal plans before. Sandra has those issues with alopecia and since there really isn't a cause or cure, we thought it might help her. That is difficult I'm sure because I've seen all those amazing recipes you post. I've even made one or two of them for us to try. I'm glad to hear that it has become easier over time.

I had to read this book before surgery call Intuitive Eating and it talked about the types of eater you are. I am the bargain eater (wants most food for the money) and I also tend to finish other people's leftovers as a result. I'm also a celebratory eater and eat for pretty much any mood I'm feeling. In the end, I think I just like to eat and need to learn some self control.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks for your kind words. Maybe I'll try to followup a little more on the blog. Thanks!! Have a great Halloween.