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February 15, 2012

Valentine's Day

   It's hard to imagine that this time ten years ago, Sandra and I were celebrating our last Valentine's Day together before we got married.  Our life together has grown and morphed in ways I never expected.  Every year, Valentine's Day has been something special.  I try to plan things out for us and make it special for her and hopefully it is a memorable experience.  This year, things didn't quite work out as planned.  It isn't for a lack of desire or anything...it all came down to money.

   Sandra had to have major surgery about five months ago.  We've known it was coming for about two years, but there's still no good way to financially prepare for it.  Throw in the fact that we had to travel to California for surgery and it gets more complicated, but then you throw in a second trip because they ended up not being able to do the surgery the first time, and the finances continue to add up.  Life in general has become more difficult and we find ourselves in the toughest spot we've been in since we got married.

   It was hard to actually make the decision this past week cancel our plans because we simply didn't have the money for it.  I'm supposed to provide grand romantic gestures to my wife because it is Valentine's Day.  Instead, she gets what I hope was a nice card, and we spend a fun picnic dinner with the kids and watched Dolphin Tale.  It's hard to get past that because Sandra deserves better.

   I've never hesitated to do fun things for her simply because I love her. I have no problem blowing money to enjoy time alone with her.  We've also never been in a place where that can't happen and to be honest, I'm having a hard time with that.  It feels like such a first world problem when I talk about not being able to take my wife to a nice dinner, but that doesn't keep it from bothering me.

   I feel like such a failure as a husband and father lately.  There are so many things that I just don't have an answer for and it's killing me.  I wish there was a way I could be providing better financially for us.  I want to  be able to let my kids participate in whatever activities they want.  I cry and it eats me up inside whenever I think about how Sandra feels about losing her hair and there's nothing I can do.  These things just feel like they are piling up and for the first time, I don't know how to deal with them.  I just keep plugging away hoping that it will get easier, and not really sure what steps to take next.

   I hope Sandra know how much I love her, even though things don't turn out the way I planned on Valentine's Day.  If we need a special day for her to know how I feel about her, then we probably have bigger issues in our relationship than dinner or flowers would fix.  I love her for who she is and nothing will change that regardless of where we've been, or what changes come in the future.

   Sandra, I want you to know I love you more than anything!  You are an incredibly beautiful person!  Your smile still melts my heart and when you reach out and touch my hand, I am reassured in your love for me.  I love that you make our home a safe place for me and the kids.  I love that they know they can come to you for anything in the world and they always have a special place in your arms.  I love walking into a room and how you already know what sort of day I'm having.  I am so thankful that I am the one who gets to take care of you when you are sick or sad, and that I get to celebrate with you when you're happy.  I love your sense of humor and how your eyes light up when you're laughing at me trying to dance for you.

   No matter what we go through, I will be there for you.  I want to be your biggest cheerleader!  I will always support and encourage you.  I will take care of you and never let you go without.  You are my world!  For ten years we have built this life together and I am so incredibly lucky to start the next ten years with you.  I love you Sandra and I hope you know that!


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