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December 6, 2012

A God Moment...

   I've never been one to wake up well from a deep sleep.  Ask Sandra how it worked out for her on our honeymoon.  It isn't that I'm actually angry over anything, but I just don't have a very "nice" attitude when I wake up...especially if it is sudden.  Strange thing is that when my alarm goes off in the morning, I can usually just get up and head to the bathroom and start getting ready.  It's waking up to non-normal circumstances that tend to get me. It doesn't help that I haven't slept all that well lately to begin with.

   The other night, was one of those nights.  I'd had a bad day, which in turn led to a bad night.  Then the boys woke up in the middle of the night for some reason and it just set me off.  I was so mean to them.  I yelled.  I got up quickly and dragged them to their rooms.  I yelled some more.  I was just mean...there's really not another way to put it.  They cried and Sandra came in to calm them down after my little rant.  It's certainly not how I planned my night to go, and definitely not how I choose to treat my kids.  They deserve better than that.

   I went back to my room and just sat on my bed in disbelief that I just blew up at my kids like that.  They don't care how I wake up.  I'm their father and I'm supposed to love and protect them.  They look up to me for that and I let them down in a big way.  As I sat on the bed, I started to cry.  When Sandra came back in, she put her arm around me and just listened as I told her my thoughts and how I felt like a failure as a father. Finally, she needed to use the restroom so I sat there alone just brooding over the situation - terrible thoughts going through my head about my failure as a father.

   Then Emerson walked into the room and just stood at the door crying.  She was crying pretty hard, and I called her over to me and just hugged her.  I asked if she was OK and she just cried.  I asked again, "Sweetie, are you ok?"  She just threw her arms around my neck and told me, "You're the best daddy ever and please don't ever go away?!"  I just held her and promised her that I was never leaving.  When she calmed down a little, I asked why she thought I was going away and she explained how she'd had a dream where I had to go to Asia.

   I can honestly tell you that I have no idea where the dream came from.  No idea why that was the moment that she woke up and came running to me.  No explanation.  There are many who will disagree with me, and I've been in plenty of circumstances where the door didn't burst open, but I believe that in that moment, God knew I needed something.  I needed to hear those words from Emerson.  I needed that reassurance. I pray that I won't find myself in that situation again where I've just treated my kids so badly.  Thankfully, I know that God still loves and cares for me, and if I do, I believe He will provide again.  He believes in me more than I've ever believed in Him.  For that, I find myself grateful.


Scott said...

I've had similar moments, too. Try not to beat yourself up too much. If this helps, something I remind myself of for a little motivation is that someday my kids are going to be sitting around sharing stories about me. I hope they'll focus on the good times and not the ones where I had a bad day.

Bad days will come, but I have control over how much I let them affect me at home. Most of the time I do alright. Sometimes I don't.